The Starving Artist Manifesto

An argument for mysticism in a skeptical age

2009-11-11T19:54:00.001-08:00

Are you ready for this? I haven't blogged in a while but I have a massive mind dump to extract from the sphincter that is this blog.

What is this?

A man and a woman, you say? A beautiful painting you say? I'm afraid I must disagree. You may see that but when I look at it objectively all I see is a piece of canvas with some oil and pigment smeared on it. If we do scientific tests on it we will not find anything chemically in it that has anything to do with human beings. A man and a woman are nowhere to be found there. So why do we see it?

If you said "because we project it into the image based on our memories of what a man and a woman look like" then you're absolutely right and you get a high five.

So the only difference between that painting and this...

...is our own desire for it to be more than just a bunch of paint. Why is the painting better than the paint? Why is the sum greater than its parts? There's only one reason, because we want it to be that way.

Now let me ask you another question. Why is this...

...better than this?

Maybe you would say that objectively there is nothing better about a human baby than a chunk of carbon. And you might be right.

So why are there babies?

Why is it that millions of years ago some single celled living organism decided it wanted to be alive and not dead? Why was so much energy spent to make sure another organism would follow in its footsteps and do the same thing, before returning to its natural state of being lifeless?

Why has so much energy been spent on life when chemically speaking the difference between a living organism and a dead one is negligable?

Why spend so much energy on life when it's so much easier to be dead, and we all end up dead anyway?

Objectively speaking... skeptically speaking... scientifically speaking, there's no answer. Why should there be life if the universe was doing just fine without it? Why does life want to perpetuate itself when there is so much opposition and, objectively speaking, so little reward.

Dear universe: Why bother?

The answer cannot be found by studying what it's made of, just like we can't understand that painting by looking at paint. There is an aesthetic meaning there that cannot be grasped in the violent tongs of science.

Science can tell us what something is made of. It can't tell us what something is. Science can tell us how we survive. It can't tell us why a block of carbon wasn't satisfied with being a block of carbon and spent millions of years and countless amounts of energy to turn into a human baby.

Science can't tell us why a Pinocchio wants to be a real boy. It can't even tell the difference.

What if the universe isn't just paint. What if it's a painting? What if life only exists because it's projected there by an outside force?

What if the difference between paint and a painting... the difference between carbon and babies... is that God has determined that life is superior to death, order is superior to chaos, law is superior to lawlessness?

This is a real IM conversation. I'm not even joking.

2009-04-26T15:51:00.000-07:00

AIM IM with Random Person.

Random Person: Neither have you tasted my Jesus!

Me: yes, I have never tasted Jesus

Random Person: No but i wonder sometimes

Me: what he tastes like?

Random Person: Who?

Me: Jesus?
Me: haha, I'm really confused

Random Person: Sounds like it

Me: I don't even know who this is

Random Person: Neither do I but hello

Me: I mean you - I don't recognize your IM name

Random Person: Yah i was supprised to see someone i dont knoe

Me: haha... you have me on your buddy list but you don't know who I am?
Me: I mean, not that I'm anyone important or anything... although I suppose I could be

Random Person: Visit my Mall free games on game page
Random Person: http://Harrisonsonlinemall.com
Random Person: Everyone is important
Random Person: Do not know the name

Me: what if it turns out that I am particularly important though?

Random Person: The computer sayse you are not in my contacts
Random Person: Everyone is important

Me: for all you know I could be an infamous pirate, or an alien sleeper agent
Me: probably a cyborg

Random Person: If you are Welcome to Earth

Me: Your planet is okay
Me: not really worth conquering
Me: I mean it's as easy as pressing a button but we're not in the mood

Random Person: Yah I think so now that Bush is gone

Me: I'll let you know if that changes though

Random Person: Great

Words are fun!

2009-02-07T16:20:00.000-08:00

Let's expand our vocabulary together!
If you use any of these words at some point this week, let me know and I will give you a high five along with my unending respect.

Milquetoast: A timid or cowardly person.
Example: "Quit being a milquetoast and order the hot wings!"

Maelstrom: A large, powerful or violent whirlpool
Example: "I tried to park the car and I was surrounded by a maelstrom of suicidal drivers!"

Culdesac: A dead end alleyway. May be used metaphorically.
Example: "I'm sorry Johnny, but this relationship is a culdesac of agony."

Anachronism: Something or someone that is not in its correct historical period.
Example: "Did you see what Denise was wearing last night!? She's a walking anachronism!"

Paradigm: A pattern or model.
Example: "You're going to need a new paradigm if you want to beat me at Street Fighter."

Lilliputian: Small, diminuitive, narrow, insignificant.
Example: "Your comprehension of Star Trek fan culture is lilliputian, to say the least."

Now go start an argument with someone and watch them blink in shame after unleashing one of these super-words on their poor unsuspecting rhetoric. You can thank me later!

I celebrate the day

2008-12-24T15:20:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to my beloved blog readers - both of you!

-----------------

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

Proverbs

2008-12-15T18:33:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a little disjointed... stick with me... You may have noticed a recurring theme with my admittedly flew-and-far-between blog posts. Somewhere along the lines we decided that to be loved is to be popular. Hopefully this latest post will more or less wrap it up my thoughts on it.

"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses" - Proverbs 27:6

I've read this verse so many countless times and always felt like I had it down pretty good... I like to think that I'm generally a pretty difficult person to offend, and I'd rather be told the hard truth than comfortable lies. But what happens when you're on the other end of the equation, when you know what's right and you know that someone you care very much about won't like it? I would so much rather be the one who gets wounded. I would rather be a punching bag than the bad guy. Sometimes I wonder if this is some form of selfishness. It's easy to hurt if you're well-liked. You can be treated horribly and yet console yourself because the same person who is tearing you apart says they love you.

I've always had this perception about people who are in abusive relationships - whether it's physically or emotionally or whatever. I was under the impression that they're in that mess because they don't think they deserve something better. Maybe that's true sometimes. But maybe a lot of the time it's because like I said, it's so much easier to be a punching bag if it's someone that says they love you. In some strange way, being a "martyr" like this can even make you proud - you can start to think that you're better than them. When they hurt you, you can comfort yourself because you "know" that you love them more than they love you. There's this bizarre thing that happens where the more abuse you take, the more it stokes your ego.

The problem is that it's not necessarily true. Taking a lot of damage from someone because you like them doesn't make you a better person. I don't think these are the "wounds" that this proverb is talking about. In fact it's just the opposite.

The wounds a friend inflicts, are done so out of love. It's a friend who says "I have to do what's best for them, even though they'll probably hate me for it." It's a friend who says "If I have to be the bad guy, I don't care. As long as they're okay."

The enemy's kisses say "No, stay here. I have every intention to keep hurting you. But I don't care if I hurt you. I just want you. And I'll do whatever it takes to make sure you keep giving me what I want."

So I guess there's two sides to this. Do you love someone so much you don't care if they hate you as long as they're all right? Or are you so selfish you will give someone whatever you have to, to keep them infatuated with you, no matter how much you're hurting them?

And on the flipside... is the hurt that you're feeling just the result of your ego being damaged? Deep down do you know they're right and they're just trying to help? Or is it because the person you trust does nothing but betray you when their own desires conflict with your wellbeing? Don't let false humility cloud your judgment on this, really think about it.

It seems like the older I get, the more these silly old proverbs mean to me.

Ever feel like that?

2008-12-07T06:18:00.000-08:00

And we could ride all night
To the place of a blinking light
Wishing traffic was faster
Traffic was faster
Keeping safe distance
But courting disaster
We could dance all night
To the sounds of a starting fight
Hoping change would come around
Change would come around
Amazing division
How sweet the sound

Blame Me! Blame Me! Blame Me!
For mistakes you've made
But you can't own
Hate Me! Hate Me! Hate Me!
For every honest word
That you postpone
Leave me out of this
Lights on sinking ships
Are gleaming! gleaming! gleaming!
For mistakes you've made
But you can't own

And we could stare all day
At problems that will go away
Silence is pounding
Silence is pounding
You're wearing me down
These corners, they're rounding
We could scream all night
You know there's love still left inside
Stop saying you're sorry
All of these words feel so very empty

Blame Me! Blame Me! Blame Me!
For mistakes you've made
But you can't own
Hate Me! Hate Me! Hate Me!
For every honest word
That you postpone
Leave me out of this
Lights on sinking ships
Are gleaming! gleaming! gleaming!
For mistakes you've made
But you can't own

Torturing ourselves
We must be into the abuse
If you're the rope that ties us together
Then please make me a new sad speech
Or leave and beg me just to stay
Used to run to my arms
But now I'm pulling away
Come and go as you please
I'm like a part time lover
With well worn knees
Well come on

A lesson about heroism

2008-10-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

I think every guy wants to be a hero, deep down inside. Every guy wants to swoop in to the rescue of some fair maiden and kill a dragon. Maybe it's nature's way of ensuring reproduction. Maybe it's got nothing to do with sex and it's just a natural desire to do something noble and right. Pedophiles are beat up in prison because even in that swarm of decadence there is still a sense of honor and justice among twisted minds, even if it's wrong.

Every guy wants to be a hero, and every guy expects that beyond that act of heroism is the "happily ever after" in some sense whether it's metaphorical or literal. Everyone expects glory to follow heroism. After all that's how it works in the movies.

But I've learned that this is not what lies at the end of the hero's road. There is no princess. If you really want to see what awaits every would-be hero, it's this:

A crucifix. Death to self. That one thing you desire, however big or small, you must ultimately deny. Jesus warns us throughout the gospel that everyone who does what He calls them to do, will have a martyr's death to look forward to. And then He went and died a martyr's death. I thought he wasn't really that serious. Turns out he is. He wasn't joking when he promised that if you want to do what's right you're going to have to give up that one thing you wanted.

You want to be a "hero"? It's going to cost you. Whatever it is at the top of your list of wants and desires, that is what it costs. It's going to hit you where it hurts. I promise you beloved, you will find yourself bruised, bloody, naked and screaming for God. Just a fraction of what Christ went through.

If you genuinely want to be a hero, if you genuinely want to make a difference for another person, this is what it costs.

And yet I'm glad I did it.

Let me tell you about heroes...

2008-09-28T21:04:00.000-07:00

The Hero of Canton
transcribed by johnsmusicbox
Capo II

C....................................C
Jayne The man they call Jayne

....C
He robbed from the rich
..........Am
and he gave to the poor
.........C
Stood up to the man
..........Am
and he gave him what for
......F
Our love for him now
......G7
ain't hard to explain
......C
The hero of Canton
.....G7................C.........C/B...Am
the man they call Jayne

......Am.................E7....................Am
Now Jayne saw the mudders' backs breakin'
....Dm........E7............Am
He saw the mudders' lament
...........Am.......E7............Am
And he saw the Magistrate takin'
.........Dm..........E7.............Am
every dollar and leavin' five cents
...............Dm...............................Am
so he said "You can't do that to my people"
...........Dm......................................E7
he said "can't crush them under your heel"
.........Am..................E7
Jayne strapped on his hat
.........Am...........Dm
and in 5 seconds flat
.......Aaug5sus4.........E7..................Am
stole everything Boss Higgins had to steal

Chorus-

Verse 2-
Now here is what separates heroes
From common folk like you and I
The man they call Jayne
He turned 'round his plane
And let that money hit sky
He dropped it onto our houses
He dropped it into our yards
The man they call Jayne
He stole away our pain
And headed out for the stars

Chorus-

Music update

2008-09-26T12:49:00.001-07:00

There is a ton of good music lately. I'm not even joking. If you're not listening to any music you really have no excuse, and I'll tell you why:

Jenny Lewis released a solo album. It's every bit as good as you'd expect if you like mournsome lyrics and old country/gospel-ish stylings. It's been dominating my ipod like you wouldn't believe.

Cold War Kids also put out a new record. It's not as good as their debut but it's still Cold War Kids, which are inherently awesome.

Copeland just recently announced a new album that's coming out next month and you can hear a streaming song on Spin.com. If this track is any indication of the rest of the album it's going to blow their last three out of the water. I could seriously listen to this all day (and I have).

There's a girl with a really pretty voice who makes a guest appearance on that song, and her name is Rae Cassidy. Her music is adorable and she needs to release an album. If you like Eisley I bed you'd like her music, too.

Anberlin has generously put their entire new album streaming on their myspace site. Free music, dude! I'd hit that. If you don't check it out, that's ridiculous. It's like refusing a free cheeseburger, or slice of pizza. Who does that? The record hits the shelves fresh and piping hot on Tuesday.

Lovedrug is ALSO putting out a new album soon. They are an incredible band. But some of the lyrics on this one are kind of obscene which is dissapointing. Might wanna skip this one if that kinda thing bugs you.

There's probably more but that's just about all I can keep track of right now.

If I write it down here I won't forget.

2008-09-11T21:22:00.000-07:00

I need to start a band called Trio the Punch.
I'm not joking.

If I'm lonely, it's my own darn fault.

2008-09-02T16:57:00.000-07:00

Usually on the train if someone comes and sits next to me it's either an old lady, or a fat person (and they seem to be getting fatter as I lose weight).

But today it was a really cute girl.

She sat down right next to me.

She had her girly fiction book.

I had my dense theology book.

We both just sat there and read for an hour.

And then she got off at her stop.

...

I deserve to be single.

Politics are silly.

2008-08-31T06:29:00.000-07:00

They really are. If you ever want to study double-standards, prejudices and ignorant judgment, get into politics. You'd need 10 lifetimes to get through it all.

The internet makes it even worse... I didn't friend you on Facebook so that you could tell me who to vote for. I don't need to see ill-informed inflammatory rants filled with third-hand opinions and data every time I log in. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but for some reason certain people think this makes them entitled to be a total douchebag as well. (Hint: it doesn't)

For people like me who felt that they rushed headlong into picking a candidate far too quickly last time around, and are trying to take a more careful approach to the election this year, it's frustrating to see other adults fighting over your vote like spoiled kids squabbling for the last pink starburst. (Although it is the most delicious flavor)

Maybe some people just like being on a bandwagon. It's like Red Sox versus Yankees. Only that's all in good fun because the Red Sox and Yankees don't actually stand for anything. The competition is ultimately completely trite, and we inject meaning into it. I don't think politics should be approached this way. The Republicans and Democrats aren't teams to root for. They are leaders and rulers and they exist to do a job and if they aren't doing it properly they need to be replaced by someone who will. That's why party loyalty seems asinine to me. It goes 100 percent against the very concept of democracy.

What is the point of being able to vote if I'm obligated to vote for my party before I even know who is running?

There's a lot of things our country is doing wrong right now and I want to see who is going to fix them. So to the people whose votes were already decided before they knew who the candidates were: Shut up. Be quiet so the rational people can think.

Part Deux

2008-08-07T19:10:00.000-07:00

So I didn't finish my thought last time since I was basically just rambling and realized I needed to clip it off and get on with whatever it was I should have been doing.

I mentioned that I don't subscribe to either Calvinism OR Arminianism and I want to finish that thought. I'm not as emotional as I was the other day so maybe this post will be shorter.

I don't see why there has to be an argument between God's sovereignty and the free will of humankind. In the Bible there are examples of both. To try to confine God and say that he manipulates the free will of everyone, or that he never ever intervenes in a person's thought process, both of those attitudes are erronious. They both require a bigger picture of God.

So let's get a bigger picture of God, shall we?

Beginning of the universe:

NOTHING.

God decides He doesn't like NOTHING. He says there should be something.
So KABOOM, there is something.
There's debate about the specifics of how that something came about, but there is no weaseling around the fact that God initiated it.

There was nothing. Now there is everything. What happened? God happened.

God is the Unmoved Mover that Greek philosophers reasoned logically must exist. He is the Source, the Origin, the Starting Point of everything that ever happened. Everything we have ever experienced is EFFECT. God is CAUSE.

God is the voice, reality is the echo.

We do not experience God, He experiences us. We are His experience.

Do humans have free will?
We wouldn't, except that God gave it to us.
Can a human be saved from sin? We couldn't, except that God provided a way for us.

How can God be sovereign, and yet humans have free will?
Because He willed it to be so.
No one can do a single worthwhile thing without God, because without God no one would be. At all.

Without God there would be no Beethovan. There would be no Leonardo. There would be no Einstein. There would be no Plato. And without God no one would ever know what we were missing out on, because we wouldn't be here to miss it.

We cannot wrap our heads around God's entire character or how He reigns. But if we can wrap our heads around what I just described to you, we have the most important step taken care of. If you acknowledge that God is the initiator, and everything else that will ever happen is a response to Him, then you understand that every good thing, including submission to Him, is something He enabled us to do by His good grace. And you understand that every evil thing we do is, one piece at a time, dislocating us from reality.

You and I are not the voice. We are the echo. God is the voice. If we don't respond when He calls out, we are separate from reality. That is the universe we live in, because it is His universe.

But if this all makes you feel insignificant just remember - when God spoke the human soul into existence, He was doing it because He wanted a response. The ability to respond to God is the greatest gift we have been given, because it is the gift of life, and it has been given to all of us. Our ability to respond was hampered by our own sin, but Jesus restored this gracious, precious gift.

God is the voice. We are the echo.
If He calls out, and we don't respond...

...Well, what good is an echo if no one hears it? Does it even exist?

And this is why I don't really care about Calvinism or Arminianism.

Calvinism... hoo boy...

2008-08-03T14:27:00.000-07:00

Religious rant time...
I apologize if you're a Calvinist. Actually I apologize if your an Arminian as well, because I respectfully disagree with both of you.

Today I'm just going to deal with my issues with Calvinism, though.

This is more than just the believe that God is ultimately sovereign over everything, even human free will. It's the believe that you cannot do a good thing - you cannot even believe in God, unless God causes you to do so. I think this causes quite a few very significant theological issues. For example, if God decides before we're even born who will repent and who won't, then why doesn't he cause everyone to repent, or just not sin in the first place? Is it a lack of resources? A lack of compassion? These are the only two options I see. To be Calvinist you have to believe that either God is unable to save everyone, or that He is unwilling to save everyone. You have to believe that God, the all-powerful reigning King of Heaven, who sent His beloved Son to die for all who have sinned, who claims to love everyone without favoritism, is playing "Duck, Duck, Damned" with our very souls.

Frankly this disgusts me. To believe this you essentially have to believe that God is blaming us for things that He made us do, and on top of that He is punishing us for them - but not all of us - rather He is going to let some of us off the hook, scott free, for no other reason than the luck of the draw, and those few people should be grateful that the dice rolled in their favor. And to those souls damned to burn in hell, "Tough luck guys. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time." Why even bother showing people the love of God if their fate has already been set in stone? What love would there be to show?

Calvinism makes Sin and Redemption purely masturbatory on a cosmic level.

You see, Calvinism emphasizes God's sovereignty - and make no mistake, God is sovereign, just read Job if you don't believe that. But Calvinism neglects God's love. To the Calvinist, God's definition of love is "not crushing you like the miserable worm you are - if you're lucky." Even the most decadent human being would consider love a much more wonderful thing than that. If a selfish human being understands that small bit of love, how much better is God's love! The Calvinist can't comprehend that God is both all powerful and all loving, that he is like a shepherd who would leave his 99 perfectly good obedient sheep to search the thorns and thickets for the one disobedient lamb that tried to get away.

The truth is that God has done much more than merely pluck a few fortunate souls from the ashes of his fiery wrath. He sent his only son, a very piece of Himself, to die on a cross and rise again three days later so that ALL could be saved. Not just a few who won the raffle.

How is God going to accomplish that?

I have no idea.

Fortunately I don't have to know, I'm not God. And I'm sure whatever He has cooking is better than what I could think of anyway.

There will come a day when God judges evil. But on that day, there will be no cries of injustice. Because God is a just God, and a loving God, and He loves all with the same love that would sacrifice itself to save us.

Cynical

2008-07-27T05:47:00.000-07:00

God, I hope I never become cynical.

I would rather be screwed over than stop trusting people. Not that I WANT to be screwed over. But when I have been, it's less painful than going through life trusting no one, or expecting every friend to pull a knife on you when you turn your back. One actual betrayal is far less painful than a hundred imaginary betrayals.

I don't want to give another human being the power to make me a bitter person. I don't want what someone does to me to warp me into a cynical venomous cretin. They haven't got the right to do that, not unless I give it to them.

I don't think people are inherently evil. I think evil is an infectious disease that people catch the moment they start sucking air. I think that, because nobody I've ever met wants to be evil. We realize that we're selfish and violent and hurtful and ugly and we hate that about ourselves. And then, we do one of two things:

We rationalize it by saying how much worse our neighbor is than us, and relatively speaking we are really rather saintly in spite of our obvious shortcomings, making us arrogant and oblivious to reality.
We look at how much more beautiful and charitable our neighbor is and despise ourselves all the more.

Jesus says that accepting his sacrifice and authority makes us adopted children of God. So that should render either of these thoughts obsolete. But sometimes believers still fall into this way of thinking. And of the two I think the first one is a FAR more dangerous camp to be in. Not only is it denial of reality, but it's actually PROJECTING what we hate about ourselves onto OTHERS!

If I secretly know I'm evil and selfish, but I say "I'm not so bad compared to what's-his-face", then I'm trying to take my own sin and smear it all over him. This is not an affective way to relieve guilt. Before long I begin to see the darkest, most evil blights of myself in everyone I encounter! Like some twisted episode of the Twilight Zone, I begin to see even my closest most beloved friends masquerading as my own inner demons.

What a tortured existence! How much better to adopt a philosophy like Paul of Tarsus!

"Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life."

Want to know why Jesus saw fit to spare me from God's wrath? Because he wanted to prove to you that if a wretch like me could be forgiven, then there is hope for anyone! All have sinned, but my neighbor's sin is irrelevant. I don't know the blackness of their hearts but I am intimately familiar with my own, and that's the only sin I can deal with directly, by falling humbly at Christ's mercy. And the most BEAUTIFUL thing in the world is that I have a defense against those who hurt me!

"Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Christ gives me the power (and it is POWER) to forgive. If someone hurts me I don't have to let them turn me into a bitter loathsome person. I can forgive them. It's not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but it's possible, and it's better than the alternative - to become cynical and hateful of everyone who is probably not even as terrible a person as I am. I don't have to be damaged every time someone hurts me.

Who would you rather be?

Would you rather be occasionally hurt but continue to love?
Or would you rather expect everyone you ever loved to turn on you, and hope and pray that you're wrong?

Think about it.

Wait.. it's morning... CRAP!

2008-07-23T03:33:00.001-07:00

Don't you hate it when you're asleep and you have a dream where the most awesome thing that could ever happen to you, happens to you? Like, say, you meet the most amazing beautiful awesome girl you have ever met in your life and she is crazy about you, and you're crazy about her, and you're in that phase of the relationship when you're still both a little terrified of each other and everything is new and fresh and exciting... And then you wake up and it's rainy outside and you realize she's a complete figment of your imagination and you have to go to work.

It's weird but that is the first dream I have ever had involving a completely made-up character. Stop doing that, mind. It's not fair.

I was just thinking...

2008-07-17T11:20:00.001-07:00

...We human beings trying to say there is no such thing as absolute morals, is kind of like a colorblind person insisting that there's no such thing as color.

What do we need?

2008-07-15T20:05:00.000-07:00

I'm on week two of my new diet - I replaced 4 greasy meals a week with salad, and I'm already seeing the effects of it. My once tight-fitting jeans are starting to feel dangerously loose, and last night I was astonished to find that I could feel tummy muscles under my skin - I didn't know I had those!

I have never eaten a lot so I always wondered why I have always had a conspicuous bulge around my center of gravity. (I'm not a big guy which makes it look even sillier) It turns out that our parents were right and it actually DOES matter what you eat. After five minutes of internet research I discovered that a lot of foods we Americans know and love like McDonalds' french fries and microwave pizza may be tasty, but they're virtually useless to our bodies. So we eat until we feel full but we're actually starving our body of nutrients. The starving body goes into emergency mode and demands more food, building up an emergency supply of fat that it doesn't even need.

So conversely if you give your body what it needs (yummy vitamins and nutrients found in, gasp, vegetables!) that food actually gets used for fuel like God intended and your body stops stingily saving up fat for a famine that doesn't exist. So you can eat the same amount of food and lose weight. Crazy.

You probably knew this already but I just realized it and I'm shocked. Bear with me.

I never tried to adjust my diet before because everyone talks about how hard and miserable it is. I haven't had a very hard time with it... I just needed to set a realistic goal and find some healthy food that I actually like. Caesar salads are delicious... my stomach rumbles just thinking about them. I'm starting to actually prefer the taste of a good salad to a grease-bomb burger.

Hang on, I'm coming around to a semi-relevant point here... if this is what I've been doing with food it makes me wonder if there's other stuff we do this with in our lives - You know what I mean, right? Like, do we have other "hungers" in our lives that are telling us we need something, and are we trying to fill those hungers with things that only make us feel gross? Do we keep shoveling things into a hole unaware that it's just coming out the other end? That those hungers can only be satisfied by one thing, and it's the one thing we don't want because it's not sexy, it's not appealing, it's not sweet or greasy?

Do we need to adjust things other than just the food we eat if we want to grow? Would we feel more alive if we fed our soul what it's asking for? Or maybe we would we rather stay frail and unhealthy just to taste one more whatever-it-is...

Just something to think about...

Where to live?

2008-07-14T21:30:00.000-07:00

I gotta get my own place. I love how inexpensive it is to stay at my parents' house but the longer I'm here the more it sets in that I could use a little more independence.

When I look at the prices of condos around here it looks more and more doable. A condo would be really sweet 'cuz I could paint it, and I have weird interior decorating tastes... I like bold colors. Yeah, that's right. It would probably be the most awesome bachelor pad ever.

So anyone looking for a roommate?

Where have you been all my life?

2008-06-26T03:34:00.000-07:00

I think I'm in love:
http://www.faitherinhicks.com/
Why did God in his wisdom put all the awesome art chicks in Canada?

Also, Be Kind Rewind is even more awesome the second time. Michel Gondry is an absolute genius. He's like the anti-Speilberg (not that I hate Speilberg). Using computer graphics to take you to exotic new worlds and places is impressive and all, but then you have this guy who can do the same thing with toilet paper rolls and corrugated cardboard. Plus Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is just like the best movie ever. For serious.

And finally the Spore Creature Creator is out and it is the most fun game I have played since this latest generation of hardware came out. (And it's not even the actual finished game!) Everyone else is busy showing how well their texture artists can draw dirt and burnt rubble, and here's a game that uses next gen technology to do something that's actually fun. Always wanted to make a six armed land shark with a scorpion tail and monkey feet? Go for it. Now make him dance! Yes! Dance!

You don't even know. I'll post videos.

More books! More!

2008-06-23T17:09:00.000-07:00

I love it when I get in a good reading groove. I've gotten to the point where I can read a book cover-to-cover in a day or two. I'm almost all the way through Head's book (the Head from Korn who unexpectedly quit and became a Christian) and it is amazing. My pile of literature is actually getting kind of small now (although two of the books in that pile really aren't that urgent anymore, for reasons I won't get into...) I feel another Amazon order coming on. I didn't bring a lot of my books with me when I moved here because there was just no room for them... and already I need a bookshelf to hold all the books I've obtained since I came here.

I still have a crapload of C.S. Lewis to read (I LOVE C.S. Lewis and if you do too, we can be friends!) And there's that Q'ueran I barely scratched the surface of (With Jesus' grace in my life, I have no interest in Islam or any other religion, but I've heard a lot of different stuff about Islam and what they believe and what the Q'ueran says, and I want to get to the bottom of it so I'll know what to say when people claim Christians and Muslims are "basically the same thing"... which they aren't.)

And I haven't read fiction in quite some time... I have a hard time finding good fiction that isn't hokey or pulpy. I read Ender's Game a few months ago and enjoyed the crap out of that. But for the most part there is just so much good nonfiction that I want to read. There are too many authors with too many cool ideas, and too many interesting dead people with fascinating stories. I hope after Jesus has come back and rebuilt everything the way He wants it, there will be a gargantuan library somewhere, because there are too many books and I don't have a long enough life to read them all.

Reading is like chicken soup

2008-06-19T03:31:00.000-07:00

Except you can take a good book on the train and not spill it all over yourself and the uptight young business woman sitting awkwardly next to you.

One such book is Blue Like Jazz. I can't believe it's taken me this long to finally read it, but yesterday I grabbed it on my way out the door and I'm already more than halfway through it. Soooo good! It's a bit premature to say that this is one of those Screwtape Letters type books that every Christian should read at least once but... it's good. Very good.

A phrase seems to keep popping up in my life and every time I hear it, it pisses me off even more. "Your problem is that you see everything in black-and-white."

Ugh...

Now, it's true, not everything is a black-and-white issue. Context can change a lot. But not always. What I hate about this phrase is that people ALWAYS, and I do mean always, use it to justify something that they know for a fact is wrong. Usually pulling this card means "I can't exactly explain how but somehow in my mind I've managed to make this morally ambiguous for myself."

I'm guilty of doing the same thing, of course. It's much easier to justify the wrong thing than do the right thing, especially now when intellect is a more valuable commodity than honesty. And the ironic part is that it's almost always more work to justify the wrong thing and cover your tracks than to simply do the right thing in the first place.

Propellor-induced rage

2008-06-10T19:09:00.001-07:00

Oscillating fans are a bait-and-switch mockery.
They're like, "Ahhh, you're cool. Doesn't that feel good?"
But then...
"Oops, no you're not!"
And then...
"Oh, now you are again... enjoy it while it lasts..."
"...Because now it's GONE!"

For reasons inexplicable, our society endures this process for what can sometimes stretch to hours... much like the torture button on your alarm clock. Also known as the snooze button. The button that stares innocently at you and says, "Remember how much fun it was to be awoken by a blaring loud obnoxious noise? How would you like to relive that experience in 10 minutes? As many times as you want?"

Homemade torture devices, I'm not sure who designed you, but I have a pretty strong case that it was satan.

Elevator mishaps...

2008-06-09T21:06:00.000-07:00

Get your mind out of the gutter. Not like that.

People behave strangely in elevators. Have you noticed this phenomenon? Why does someone enter an elevator and then rapidly press the close button knowing that her coworkers are entering behind her?

Why does a person press the button for their floor over and over? Is he trying to get the elevator to go into that elusive "bonus" mode where it moves at heightened speed?

Elevators are anti-social.
When you're on an elevator you're not allowed to talk. Or if you must talk you do it in hushed tones and cover sundry topics only, like "there's some weather outside." or, "It's Monday and I hate my job."

Some people are overzealous with the no-talking rule and won't talk even while standing in the lobby and waiting for the elevator. You are however allowed to make disapproving faces at how long it's taking the elevator to arrive so you can continue to stare at each other in awkward silence all the way down.

Most awkward situation is when a beautiful girl and you are the only two people waiting for the elevator. Being disciplined observers of elevator etiquette you do not introduce yourself, beyond perhaps a friendly half-smile. Then you continue to not be aware of each others' existence the whole way down.

Some psychologist needs to write a book about elevators. Maybe the already have.

Everyone thinks it's funny but we'll all do it the exact same way tomorrow. That's funny too. Life is funny sometimes.

Random scattered thoughts

2008-06-09T03:37:00.000-07:00

This weather is gross. I shouldn't complain though. I've learned that people who complain about summer being too hot also complain about being too cold once winter hits. And complaining doesn't really accomplish much except make you feel worse about your situation.

SO the bright side is I'm not going to be freezing on my morning commute into the city. Can't complain there, right?

- - -

I need a haircut. All I need is a goatee and some red hair dye and I'll look like Ronald McDonald. I'm sure I could score some free happy meals that way.

- - -

My cat can tell when I'm wearing a clean shirt. And she can shed on purpose. Evil.

Art directing rant

2008-05-28T20:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, so Ubi-Soft has just blown the lid on making a sequel to Beyond Good & Evil. If you never played BG&E, you need to, now. The game is a masterpiece; great characters, beautiful art direction, interesting story, fun gameplay (basically lifted directly from Legend of Zelda but hey, that's not a bad thing!)

Anyway there's screens of the new game that have hit the web today and... GAHHH!!

Look at it! Just... look... at it... it's AWFUL.
AWFUL!
Now, I know what you're thinking. You are thinking "Ben dude you have a screw loose. Look at those sexy bump-mapped polygons! The self-shading lightsources! The depth-of-field blur!
Yes, yes, yes, the programmers' work is very impressive here. But let me remind you what the original game looked like:

Do you see the radical difference between these two images? Do you see the intense de-evolution of style, mood and overall feel? The original game had a smooth stylized look and incredibly moody, atmospheric lighting. It was full of bizarre locals with odd angles and wonderful organic shapes. The new game looks like someone wanted to make a Mad Max game and got stuck making this instead. Sure it's all normal-mapped and it has bi-tri-linnear-crap-in-your-pants filters, but WHERE'S THE STYLE!? It's gone! These beautiful designs are gone and we're stuck with generic "Gee I wish I was exactly like every other game" designs instead.

Ubisoft has taken one of the prettiest games ever made and sucked the life clean out of it. I don't really know if it should be that surprising though. With game budges ballooning bigger and bigger with each new project, where every game has to have 50 hours of gameplay, most of which is elaborately choreographed cutscenes, and sandbox environments and what-have-you, game developers refuse to take risks anymore. Every game that comes out has to look like the last game that sold well, or an upcoming competitor. Art direction in the mainstream game industry is rapidly turning into a snake eating its own tail. We're arriving at a point where every mainstream game looks exactly the same, and requires ridiculous amounts of time and commitment to even play, forcing gamers to choose between a dozen mediocre clones.

It looks like at this point only independent games and portable games can be expected to contain interesting or unique art direction, since those projects are so much lower risk. It is a horrible contradiction that in the age where artists should be free to do just about anything, they are all forced to make the same game over and over. If having these beautiful next-gen graphics costs the games their creativity, maybe it's better to stick with primitive technology. I for one think that the original Beyond Good and Evil is STILL prettier than anything the next-gen consoles have put out, unless it's being judged purely on the basis of technical horsepower. Which is the most bass-ackwards way to judge an artform that I have ever heard of.

Here's more of the original game to stare at:

Funny about UFO sightings

2008-05-05T06:18:00.001-07:00

You know what's funny about UFO photos from the 50's-60's? They all follow the design aesthetics of the 50's and 60's. Apparently aliens have superior technology but their spaceships are greatly influenced by our stylistic movements. So are these hoaxes, or do aliens hire American comic book artists to engineer their spacecraft? The truth is out there...

http://www.ufoevidence.org/photographs/section/1960s/Photo167.htm
http://www.ufoevidence.org/photographs/section/1960s/Photo105.htm

May I emote for a minute?

2008-04-23T03:40:00.000-07:00

It would have been one year today.

I still miss you but it's good to know you're okay.

Wrestling

2008-04-13T14:06:00.001-07:00

I'll never forget one thanksgiving when I was a teenager. As we were restlessly waiting for the food to be ready, Joel (my older brother) got it in his head that he wanted to best everyone in the family at arm wrestling. I leaned back in my chair, hid behind my sketchbook and rolled my eyes. I had lost enough arm wrestling matches to know how it would go. Joel was always stronger. It didn't matter how much preparation, training or willpower I had. I was going down. I seem to have been born with a natural disadvantage.

He started with Peter, my youngest brother. Peter is probably the second most competitive of the four of us, and he went down without a struggle. He went on to Tim, who is stronger than Peter but he went down in seconds as well. I declined to even try, I knew how it would go. Joel was unstoppable. Joel, who was now intoxicated with the taste of victory, decided he wasn't ready to finish his campaign. He challenged my dad.

This was unprecedented. I could not remember any other time my dad and Joel had a battle of strength. Joel was young and aggressive. My dad was middle aged and laid back. They sat down at opposite ends of the table, joined hands, and I honestly waited for my dad to embarrass or hurt himself.

That's not what happened.

Joel fought hard. His face contorted. His muscles rippled. And he went down, red faced. Laughter all around. And I realized why I could never beat Joel. And why Joel could never beat my dad. No matter how much Joel worked out, my dad still had 20 more years of muscle development, hard work, perseverance, and determination on his side.

And this made me wonder, at what point did we, as a society, begin associating strength, wisdom and virtue with youth?

Would someone explain to me...

2008-02-24T16:58:00.001-08:00

What's wrong with doing the right thing?

Intangeability

2008-01-14T18:41:00.001-08:00

I would argue that it's the best super-power: The ability to make yourself intangeable. I mean, think about it - if you were intangeable you'd consequently be invisible because light would pass through you; you'd be invincible because bullets, knives, fists and badgers would pass through you; you'd be able to pass through walls, ceilings and anything else blocking your way... In fact, I would even argue that you'd be able to fly. Because if you're not tangeable then how can the laws of physics apply to you?

But if I could pick one superpower right now, it would be teleportation.

Long rambling thoughts on politics

2007-12-28T07:37:00.000-08:00

I've been reading the Four Loves by C.S. Lewis. This book is excellent, by the way, and if you haven't read it yet I suggest you pick it up immediately. Lewis was one of the great thinkers of our time. In The Four Loves, he tackles love. More specifically, he explores the positive aspects of every kind of love, and the negative aspects when that love is glorified out of balance.

One of the things that Lewis talks about is patriotism. I won't presume to paraphrase what he wrote - you'd benefit from reading it yourself. But it definitely provided some food for thought, especially as we're getting into the rough, merciless and bitter rivalries that come with a major election.

Lately I've been exceedingly frustrated with politics. Both our dominant parties seem intent on gaining as much power as possible so that they can micromanage our lives. Democrats want to manipulate our money and Republicans want to manipulate our behavior. That might not be entirely fair but the brunt of what comes across either on the news or from loudmouthed politically charged friends and acquaintances is speaking this gospel all to clearly. It seems to me sickening that in a country which purports freedom as its greatest virtue, we're made to feel like the only freedom we have is in choosing our dictators.

Obviously this isn't true and there are plenty of candidates who are in favor of small government. I guess the heart of what bothers me is the whole school of thought that the government should be powerful so that I can elect someone who supports MY worldview and will control everyone else and force them to live out my concept of utopia. I think blue is the best color so I'm going to elect a candidate who will punish anyone who likes green.

Democracy is a beautiful system when her people all approach it with the intention of promoting freedom. But when opinionated people try to manipulate her it becomes a game of "choose your dictator".

We need politicians who understand that this country was founded on freedom so that we can be free, not so that we could have a choice of tyrants every 4 years.

Derek Webb said it better than I can.

2007-12-09T14:23:00.000-08:00

Who's your brother, who's your sister
You just walked passed him
I think you missed her
As we're all migrating to the place where our Father lives
'Cause we married in to a family of immigrants

My first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man
My first allegiance is not to democracy or blood
It's to a King & a kingdom

There are two great lies that I've heard:
"The day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die"
And that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class republican
And if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him

My first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man
My first allegiance is not to democracy or blood
It's to a King & a kingdom

What if God was one of us?

2007-10-28T05:33:00.001-07:00

People love to speculate about what things would be like if Jesus came today instead of 2,000 years ago. I don't think it would have been much different. You wouldn't see him making rounds at all the big Evangelical megachurches like freaking Benny Hinn*. You'd find him on the streets of New York or Chicago. He would have been very interested in the poor, the broken, the sick and the outcast. And the religious people would all be jealous and hurt that Jesus seems to care more about the unclean heathen than them.

This makes me think about something very important:

It's God's nature to care for those in need. When someone is starving or sick, they are in an unnatural state. God doesn't like it. God doesn't want it that way. That's why even though Jesus only ministered for 3 years before his death, he spent most of that time talking to hurting people with serious needs. He was trying to show us something. Two things actually.

The people who were annoyed with Jesus' choice of company failed to realize that they were starving and sick as well. They were chocking on their own arrogance, thinking that they didn't need anything from God. But they wouldn't admit that they were broken and hurting too. A person who is dying from terminal cancer cannot hide the fact that they are dependent on someone other than themselves. It's much harder when you're healthy and rich. Jesus cares about the healthy and rich. But us healthy rich people have a hard time admitting that we're broken.

Here's something to think about: If Jesus came to your door and asked you what he could change in your life, what would you ask him for?

*That's a blog for another day.

More art than science

2007-10-22T18:42:00.000-07:00

I remember vividly sitting on one of those little folding chairs in the woods, on a camping trip. My group had left to do something or other and I stayed at the campsite. I leaned back in my chair and drank in the thick smells of the surrounding forest. I stared at the trees, and it occurred to me that they were beautiful. Not only were they beautiful, but each one was a functioning organism. Each one had a purpose and fulfilled a role in the surrounding ecosystem. And yet for all their functionality, each one was beautiful.

Beauty. Does any other creature on this planet understand beauty?

Has a wolf ever stopped and just stared, awestruck, at a range of mountains? Does a bird marvel at it's own ability to fly? If they have, I've never seen it. What is the purpose of beauty - the aesthetically pleasing image - if we're the only creatures who can appreciate it? Why are mountains majestic, oceans chaotic, and skies poetic, if only six billion organisms in the entire universe will ever care?

That day in the woods it occurred to me that everything we see, everything that exists, reality itself, is a work of art. And like all works of art it must have been created with intent. There is some Entity that desires to communicate with us. And this Entity has chosen to communicate not just with words, but using all five human senses. This Creator has fashioned a universe in which every element from the biggest galaxy down to the smallest atom is a metaphor.

The question is, what kind of Being would create this universe? What kind of Being would make a tree that starts as an acorn and grows into such a tall, mighty work of beauty? Why does it please Him that birds fly and fish swim? What is the point in making waves crash on shores and mountains pierce clouds?

The universe is not pointless. The universe was not "found". The universe was presented to us. It means something. It has a purpose. It has a message - a message programmed into its DNA.

What is that message?

This is the question that started everything for me. I had to know what the Message was. Now, I know part of it. Just a very small part. And I want to know more. I want to understand the Artist, because only then can I understand the art - an art that I am part of.

This is more than important. It's the reason we exist.

Team Fortress 2 is my girlfriend.

2007-10-15T03:35:00.000-07:00

I accomplished absolutely nothing this weekend. Thank you, Orange Box.

Warning: Existentialist thoughts to follow...

2007-10-13T08:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, so as far as we know, there is and never has been any species of creature on Earth or anywhere else in the universe, even, that is capable of communicating in the way that humans are. We have yet to find any species that has so much as a written language, or any form of self-aware philosophy. We haven't even found another species that creates art for art's sake.

So Human Beings are unique in that we have the written word, and we have art. Birds sing songs and some species even make beautiful arrangements of brightly colored objects. But why do they do it? Because they want sex. Because they're programmed to want sex.

The cynical thinker would instinctively assume that humans create beautiful things or write profound words for exactly the same reason - that underlying everything is the desire to fornicate and will pursue any means by which they can attract the opposite gender. But this is a vulgar generalization of the human psyche. So much so that only a bitter and callous mind could concieve it.

The reality is that humans want to create a footprint. A dog doesn't lay on the floor and wonder who will remember it when it's gone. But that's exactly what a human being lying in a hospital bed does. A human being realizes the futility of his or her own existence. Maybe animals do to. But now there is a difference between man and animal:

The human being REJECTS the reality that his or her life will soon end and they will eventually be nothing but food for worms. The human being denies that this life is all there is, and that death is the end of all things. Even the most cynical human still believes that they can perform some action or deed that will immortalize their name.

Why?

Could it be that we realize that we humans ARE different from animals? That we're not simply put here to eat, screw, make a bunch of little clones and then die once we know they'll survive on their own? Deep within our psyche we realize that food, sleep and sex are a means, not an end.

We realize that we are here because we have to do something significant. We have a greater purpose.

What is that purpose?

God only knows.

Just something to think about.

My game!

2007-10-10T20:09:00.001-07:00

My first game since I've started this job is now out... most of you are probably too cool for video games (especially cell phone games) but IGN.com which is a pretty huge gaming site just put up screenshots of it.

http://media.wireless.ign.com/media/...94/imgs_1.html

That's about 90% my artwork (some other dude drew one of the buildings). I felt I should share it with someone.

Relevant music

2007-10-07T05:47:00.000-07:00

So I'm trying to write some music again... despite my passion for music, writing it seems to be very difficult for me. It's never good enough, particularly lyrics. If I'm going to be audacious enough to expect people to listen to whatever comes out of this process, I want it to be something that's poignant or relevant or does something to help people through confusing or rough times in their lives.

There is just so much music out there that seems to scream "Look at me! Pay attention to me! Some girl broke my heart and it HURTS SO BAD! Boo hoo hoo!" Or sometimes it's an outlet for anger, whatever. It's so tiresome. I mean... you can connect with that on some level. But the music that really impacts people is the music about experiences that the songwriter got *through*, instead of just wallowing in it. I very strongly believe that music can be theraputic; I've talked to people who can cite a specific band or song that marked major turning points in their lives.

So yeah... it's easy to write songs about love gone wrong. We've got genres devoted entirely to that (*cough*country*cough). I don't think I could do it. First of all I'm not angry about any of my past relationships... I got over myself and forgave them. Secondly, I don't think it would help anyone to hear about some girl breaking my heart. I think the longer we live as humans, the more experiences we have that we can try to understand so we can help other people who are going through the same thing. Once we beat an obstacle in our lives I think we have an obligation from God to look over our shoulder and help the person who's struggling with it behind us. And the best music is the music that does that.

Easy for Tom to say, he was talking about light bulbs.

2007-09-20T19:56:00.000-07:00

"Results? Why, man, I have gotten lots of results! If I find 10,000 ways something won't work, I haven't failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is often a step forward.... " - Thomas Edison

Scurrrrrrrvy!

2007-09-19T06:30:00.001-07:00

Avast ye, scurvy sea dogs and saucy wenches! It be National Talk Like a Pirate day! Show some pride and greet some one with a HARTY har har! Unless ye be wishin' ta gaze on Davy Jones' goods! And here be a picture of the paragon of nautical naughtiness, just ta get ye spirits soarin'!

Synthetic Happiness

2007-07-03T21:00:00.000-07:00

Myself and one of my friends from work were walking the streets of Manhattan the other day, on our way to find some food to bring back to the studio. While we walked, she brought up the concept of Synthetic Happiness - an idea growing in popularity amongst the intellectuals of today. It's the idea that humans do not obtain happiness by gaining what it is they want, but that happiness can be produced within us by finding satisfaction in what we have.

I want to research this concept more, because it rang very true to me and sounded familiar. The familiarity is no doubt because it brought to mind all the teachings in the New Testament of the Bible that warn against being materialistic, and encourage people to be thankful to God for all circumstances in life.

Dissatisfaction is a major problem in Western culture, because we are free to pursue whatever it is we desire. The problem is, we don't know what to do once we have what it is we were pursuing. We find our happiness in the hopes of getting something, and not in the satisfaction of what we have already obtained. This has in no small part contributed to our obsession with obtaining new property, and our inability to commit to things, even things as monumental as marriage with another person. We can't enjoy what we have, we have to keep wondering how we can trade it in or just plain ditch it for something "better".

Dissatisfaction is not necessarily a result of circumstance. True, there are times when circumstances are unacceptable. (Slave trade in America, or the denial of Womens' rights are both good examples). Being dissatisfied with an unacceptable situation is not the dissatisfaction I'm referring to - this kind is perfectly reasonable, and it has a foundation in ambition and justice, the desire for which I believe were planted in us by the Creator.

The dissatisfaction I am talking about is a different sort entirely. It's the sort that comes from a person being in a perfectly acceptable situation, armed and equipped with everything they need to be happy, but they refuse to acknowledge how agreeable their situation is because it wasn't exactly what they wanted. It's this kind of dissatisfaction that coined the phrase, "The grass is always greener on the other side." It's the idea that I'm not happy because of outside circumstances - the circumstances need to change in order for me to be happy.

This is contrary to reality. The truth is that this kind of dissatisfaction is not born out of want or need, but out of a flawed philosophy. To put it bluntly: a bad attitude. A negative outlook on life. A person in this state can never be happy, because they have set their eyes on the unachievable. They find themselves ever groping for something just barely out of their reach, like a donkey being led by a carrot.

This is the trap most of us have fallen into in our pursuit of happiness. The painful truth is that real, genuine happiness can only be obtained when we can learn to be content in the most dire of circumstances. When we can learn to sincerely thank God for our simple daily bread - nothing more, and nothing less - and humbly request Him to provide the same for us tomorrow. It's then that our eyes will be opened to the riches that He has already blessed us with. When we take a truly critical eye to our own needs and see that they have not only been met, but exceeded, we have no excuse to be dissatisfied. We have no excuse to do anything but rejoice and enjoy.

And best of all, it is in this state that we can finally stop fretting over whether or not we have what we want. We can stop obsessing over self, which is the ultimate cause of dissatisfaction of all kinds. Instead, we can start looking at how we can provide for others. And THAT brings a satisfaction that no trinket or shiny thing can buy us.

Just something to think about.

Why won't it come easy?

2007-06-25T17:55:00.000-07:00

The frustrating aspect of good things is that they take work. Vices seem to be floating in the air, latching onto us as we walk through life like parasites. But everything virtuous only comes by experience and discipline. The two most common thoughts running through my head seem to be, "I know this is wrong but it feels so good"... or, "I know this is good but it's so hard!" It's so, so easy just to be distracted by temporary amusements, and forget about the pursuit of the lasting pleasure that virtue promises.

The path of "I want it now!" slowly erodes our character, causing it to rot like waterlogged wood. And without character, what are we? We wake up one day and we're just coasting through life waiting for the next distraction, the next amusement, the next shiny rock to numb the pain of wasted life. We have become zombies.

However, if we develop our character, the most amazing thing happens: We unlock more and more pieces of ourselves. On the heels of Virtue is individuality, fulfillment and satisfaction. The shiny things that distract us, once ignored, allow us to truly discover our inner selves. The equilibrium that results from a virtuous character is worth more than any amusement we can find to distract us from it.

But it takes work... God, it takes work. And it takes time. And the horrible paradox about virtue is that the only way to obtain it is to persevere situations that require it.

Here goes...

My body isn't mine

2007-06-15T03:38:00.000-07:00

Our bodies are strange things.

We did not choose them.

At some point in our lives, they will be taken away.

And yet, we all live with the delusion that they are ours to do with what we please.

The cost of love

2007-05-26T08:03:00.001-07:00

There's a song that was really popular a while back called "Love Don't Cost a Thing". Lately I've been thinking about love, and I've come to realize that this statement is pretty much bogus.

The truth is that love, by it's very nature, is costly.

It is very easy to "love" someone who is always kind to you, who always encourages you, who always gives and never takes. But that is not the true test of love. It's just how we react to being loved. Reciprocating kindness to those who are kind to you is not charity - it is simply staying out of moral debt.

What is the test of love, then?

It's when life requires you to purposefully produce respect and affection for someone who is not doing anything to produce it for you. It's when instead of simply responding to the admiration that was already there, you are required to manufacture it yourself.

The test of true love is this:
Can you forgive and continue to love, even with the knowledge that it's possible (or even likely) that you will be hurt again.

As a Christian, I find this definition of love exemplified in the person of Jesus Christ. The ultimate picture of love in my eyes is that of Jesus on the cross, bloodily destroyed by the very people he came to save. And so much more amazing is that in spite of their best efforts, he stubbornly continued to save them even through their own destructive action against him.

Try to envision this with me: The Perfect Deity produces nothing but love, even as His lover destroys Him.

This is the nature of the creator.

This is the test of true love.

This is one of the great paradoxes to me: If we give and give and continue to give until we have nothing left, and just keep giving anyway... then we will have what others only dream of. What others have spent hundreds of years writing books and songs and stories about it, but never actually seen: that unobtainable dream.

We'll have true love.

The truth: Love costs something. Love costs everything. But what other treasure could you possibly see fit to spend yourself on?

Just something to think about...

Holy crap, did life just happen?

2007-04-28T06:02:00.000-07:00

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets."

- Jesus Christ

I've been wrestling around with trying to figure out how to express what happened last weekend in a way that doesn't come across as cheesy or lame.

I met her in Grand Central Station on Friday evening.
I knew it was her 'cuz she was bright and colorful and happy in a sea of dark, grey, sad people.
It was really awkard. I guess there's really nothing you can do to avoid that. Not scary awkward. Exciting awkward. But awkward nonetheless.

Do you hug someone you've technically never met if you know they deserve it? That kinda awkward.

We went back into the city the next day. Something really crazy happened. I slowly began to realize as I talked to her that she was the same awesome girl I'd spent hours talking to on the phone and online for the last couple months. I mean, logically I knew the whole time, but I was afraid to believe it.

Between then and Tueday when she left to go back to school in Alabama, we did a lot.

We talked
We laughed
We held hands
We watched wierd movies
We met with God
She hit me with a stick

And I still can't decide what my favorite part was. Wait, I take that back:

We agreed it wasn't going to end on Tuesday.

I am having a hard time understanding why God is doing this. First my job, then my new church family, and now this. All in the span of a couple months. Then I read the words of Christ (conveniently located at the top of this blog) and I realize that He's just that awesome.

P.S. I realize this is probably kind of vague for those of you who have been asking me who the heck is that beauty in my Myspace/Facebook picture. But posting extensively detailed manuscripts about your love life on the internet is incredibly lame. So private message me.

This week I learned...

2007-04-19T22:17:00.000-07:00

...That America is outraged at the pointless slaughter of a couple dozen college students...

...And equally outraged about outlawing the pointless slaughter of thousands of babies.

Ladies, how to stay single forever:

2007-04-02T18:21:00.001-07:00

"I can't wait until my parents get me a credit card so I can quit my job!"

-Overheard behind me in Wal*Mart

Christ and Politics

2007-04-01T06:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday in my young adults group we were looking over different perceptions of Christ in our culture. One of the things that stuck out to me most was an image of a monster truck with something like, "God rocks" and right below that, "America kicks ass!" The more I thought about this, the more it bothered me. In most people's minds there is this very strong link between America and God.

This is bad.

Let's get this out of the way first: America is NOT a Christian nation. It's not run by Christians and the majority of the people who are living here would not consider themselves born-again Christians. And in a republic/democracy, the majority and the leaders are the ones who make the decisions. That's not to say I hate this country; I think compared with the other options this is the best place in the world to live. But a Christian nation? Please.

There IS a Christian nation. I'll even tell you where it is. Jesus said that it's here among us. The Kingdom of God is here, today. But this kingdom's territory isn't defined by maps or borders. It's defined by the hearts of its' citizens. I am a little piece of the Kingdom of God, and if you believe what Jesus said, you are too.

So fellow Christ-followers, let's perform a little excercise together:

Let's say you're living in, oh, i dunno... how about China? You're an American citizen, but you're living in China for whatever reason. Now let's say a war breaks out between America in China *knock on wood*. Which nation are you loyal to? If there is a disagreement between the nation you live in, and the nation you belong to, you're probably going to side with your motherland.

So how come when America disagrees with God (and it happens a lot) we side with this country run by men and not the nation that God has built in the hearts and souls and minds of His children? Why do we take God and make him conform to the American dream? Not to say that the American dream is bad... life, liberty and happiness is good. But Jesus said we should be worried about OTHERS' life liberty and happiness more than our own.

I am frusterated with politics because ultimately I feel a bit of a disconnect with the affairs of this country. The people in charge here aren't operating in my best interest because I'm ultimately not really an American. I'm a Christian. And America doesn't always do what I think Jesus wants it to. In fact it rarely does.

What I DON'T feel a disconnect with though, is people. And I am surrounded by people all day (get a job in New York and you can appreciate the gravity of what I mean when I say that.) And I, one person in a foreign country, cannot change the nation. But I can change people every time I serve them, every time I show them a little bit of Christ's love. I'm becoming less and less interested with trying to get this strange country to make laws that force people to obey Christ, and more interested in showing people why it would benefit them to obey Christ voluntarily.

I guess that's where I am now.
And yes, I vote, because I can. I believe people should do what they can. But a lot of us, myself included, are failing to do all that we can because we're too wrapped up in telling government what they can do for us.

Just a thought.

Life in the big city!

2007-02-24T08:57:00.000-08:00

Whoah!

So my computer has internet now... yay! I'm sitting on my bed opposite my monitor, listening to the new Anberlin album... it's pretty much the most awesome setup ever.

So, I'll alswer questions now:

The new job is awesome.
I love it!

School was great... I loved school. But getting paid to do something that I love and am actually good at is far more rewarding. My life has a newly revigorated sense of purpose. I'm making video games. I'm fulfilling a childhood drema. It's still work, and it's a big challenge. But it's what I want to do. I wish I could tell you all about what they've got me cookin' up, but I'm not allowed to... Of well... you'll see it soon enough I guess.

The environment there is great. Everyone is professional but really friendly, too. It's like a big family. There are Street Fighter tournaments during the lunch. Being surrounded by creative people all day is like steroids for my imagination. I feel like this particular part of my life is really starting to bloom at last.

I'm living with my parents' right now... the commute is pretty rough... it's a little over an hour on the train in both directions, plus the fun of scrambling through Grand Central Station to find my subway. I got lost pretty much every time the first couple days but I'm starting to get a lay of the land now.

I don't have a church yet... seeing as I haven't even been here for a week yet... I'm going to check one out tomorrow so we'll see how it goes. In the meantime I'm getting daily doses of the Mars Hill Bible Church podcast... it's holdin' me over but I need to meet some Christians around here.

Thanks to everyone who's been praying for me! God has been with me on every step of this transition and I am so thankful for the strength He has given me; I would not have lasted one day here without Him. Now that I'm getting acclimated to my new environment I'll be posting more regularly again. I miss you all and I love each one of you.

Good bless!
-Ben

He's back! He's back!

2007-02-19T07:39:00.000-08:00

This is the final hurrah of the original 180 Band... :^( So sad, but an appropriate finish. This was Sunday morning at the Northeast Navigator's Conference. I'm the guy with the guitar and the face obstructed by hair. At one point (I think in Arms of Love) another voice comes in really loud... that would be my brother who was holding the camera. I think there were somewhere between 200 and 300 people there, I'm not sure what the exact head count was but it's way more than we're used to leading worship for. I also got to meet some people from NYU, so maybe, just maybe I'll be able to make some friends out there. It's worth a shot, right?

If I loved youuuuuuu, it would be in springtiiiiiiiime, because winter kinda sucks!

2007-02-15T07:40:00.000-08:00

So... I've got a cold that's finally showing signs of dying... good thing too because I've gotta be able to sing with the 180 Band at the Navs Conference on Sunday. Still... if there was ever a time that I was praying desperately for healing, it's now.

Last night it was actually raining ice bullets. ICE BULLETS! That doesn't happen! It was like a million redneck ice golems up in the clouds were shooting buckshot at us! I came outside this morning and the entire county has freezer burn. I was able to get my car open... (last time I tried that the door broke) but there's a good half-inch of solid ice covering the entire car. Yikes!

A bottle of window de-icer in one hand, a windshield scraper in the other... my hair (I just showered) starts to freeze... I DIDN"T KNOW IT COULD DO THAT! The victor in the battle between man and nature quickly begins to reveal itself.

But I have something Nature does not...

A car that can heat itself up, and a nice warm house. And a computer with like a million websites! BWAHAHAHAHA! You may have won the battle, Ol' Man Winter, but you shall not win the WAR!

Now what I wanna know is... who were the whiners complaining about it being too warm a couple months ago?

Oh yeah... I was one of 'em...

Valentines Day is a holiday designed by card companies to make single people feel like crap once a year.

2007-02-14T08:38:00.000-08:00

Without repeating too much from the last time I posted about Valentine's Day...

It is such. A. Stupid. Holiday.

Anyone who is truly in love celebrates it every day of their lives. That's what has lead me to be so convinced that Valentines Day is designed more to spite people who remain unclaimed. Not only that but it's so tacky. Yeah, nothing says, "I love you" like a giant pink teddy bear with a heart for a nose. Ugh. Makes me wanna throw up.

"Look honey, I love you soooo much that I bought you this tacky stuffed bear when I was at Wal-Mart. And I got you this card with a cheesy quote."

"Oh honey, you are so sweet! I didn't think you cared!"

"Well... it IS Valentine's Day."

Awwww... Gimme a break. Try giving her a card when it's NOT Valentine's Day and it actually means something.

It's so frusterating to walk through a store and everywhere you look are big pink and red signs that scream, "LOVE IS MARKETABLE! LOVE IS MARKETABLE!"

V-Day is a pointless marketting excercise and the only people who even about it are the ones who feel like crap 'cuz they're single.

Done ranting.

This is the strangest feeling...

2007-02-12T09:40:00.000-08:00

One week from today I'm going to be moving all my belongings out of this little house and heading to Southern Connecticut to start my new job in Manhatten. Today I officially withdrew from Eastern Connecticut State University. It's the wierdest feeling. I don't have classes anymore. I don't have a student ID anymore. Credits and grades don't mean anything, anymore.

What's even wierder is that I'm going to be doing something for a career that I've wanted to do ever since I was a little kid. Ever since my mom first bought a Commodor 64 and let me play on it. There was this program called "Game Maker" and even though I didn't know anything about programming (seeing as I was like six years old) I was able to figure out the painting program that came with it. I made a flag. Then I made a robot. It all kind of snowballed from there, I guess.

It's exciting and terrifying and confusing all at the same time. Kind of like the first time you ever went on a roller coaster. You see the people ahead of you get on and take off, and you know you're coming up. Soon you're getting strapped in and you're getting pulled up that ricketty incline for the first big drop. By now it's too late to get off and even though your emotions are screaming for them to stop the ride, you keep reminding yourself that you got on willingly and that five minutes ago, you wanted to do this.

Then you go over that first ledge and gravity does the rest.

Who needs a groundhog?

2007-02-02T12:38:00.000-08:00

All of Boston ran at the sight of their own shadows when lite brites in an advertising campagin were mistaken for bombs a couple days ago. Anxious citizens looked on as the brave police successfully destroyed the frightening non-weapons one by one. Police would later assure the slowly recovering populace that the devices had "bomb-like attributes", such as moving parts. Another ficticious disaster averted.

Terrorists are pleased to see that they no longer even have to stage attacks - our reaction to the ones we fabricate has an equal or greater affect.

C'mon, America. Let's grow a pair.

Single Awareness Day

2007-01-31T11:42:00.000-08:00

Single Awareness day is coming up and I don't even really care anymore. That's the funny thing about holidays - for example if we truly believed it what we celebrate on Christmas, we'd be that way all year 'round and not just for one concentrated month at the end of the year. Same with V-day. If people are in love they shouldn't try to jam-pack it all into one holiday just so that card companies have an easier time managing their ledgers. I try to walk in love 365 days a year, and I'm sure that ol' codger Valentine would agree with me. Love has nothing to do with hearts and pink construction paper. It has everything to do with being sold out on making another person's life as good as you possibly can.

Now that doesn't change the fact that I'm single. So what will I be doing on said dreaded holiday? Probably sitting on a couch by myself watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. But that's okay, 'cuz my Clementine is out there... she just isn't with me. Yet.